Thank you

How does one cope with the knowledge that terrible, horrible things happen?

And I don't even mean all of those atrocities that you read about but rarely, if ever, see. I mean the ones that are close to home. Someone you love gets sick... A beloved pet gets older... Your own certain death looms like a mountain forever on the horizon (so large and ominous that you can never tell how far it is away). Add to that the million other fears and anxieties...

Pardon the darkness of this post so far. I promise it will get better.

This evening, while trying to go to bed, I was overcome by terror. Images of those I love and the moments of pain that I've seen or imagined them going through flashed through my mind. Rapid fire fears of my own future mixed within these thoughts. Unable to escape or turn my mind away from these fears, I felt like I was undergoing the Ludovico Technique. Was God trying to condition me against thoughts of doom and gloom by holding my mind fixated on those very things?

If Dustin or anyone were to have looked at me, they would have seen a peaceful, resting woman with eyes closed and head nestled into a pillow. Would they have been shocked to peel away that facade and uncover the raging sea of fear and worries spiraled out of control within me!

Yes, this seems melodramatic. But have you ever felt so swept away by fear of the unknown that even the value of life is overshadowed by its horrors? That you begin to question, "What on God's green earth is the point to all of THIS!"? If you have not had this feeling, and you are thinking "Wow, Casey is totally losing it," then... wow, are we on the same planet?

Now, don't worry. Nothing happened to elicit this episode of fear except a recent, but short-lived bout of stomach bug that got me thinking about sickness in general. Which led me down a dark path of thought (see above). But stop fretting: really, I'm fine.

But back to that moment, when I was lying in bed entrapped by the very scary realization that I, and everyone I love, are MORTAL. And that life is often terrifying and exceedingly uncomfortable. And there is little anyone can do to prevent or predict the bad parts. Really, no warning at all? Even my cell phone has a low battery warning message. Couldn't have God thought of something like that?

Instead, we are reduced to thinking and worrying and obsessing at the exact time we should be trying to go to sleep. So I ask again, How does one cope? How can I go one more minute without screaming at the top of my lungs from the fear of it all?

At the moment I thought I might scream, thus disturbing what appeared to be Dustin's peaceful sleep, I choose to pray.

Here is a partial transcript of that prayer: "Dear God, please help me be stronger when facing scary things. But wait... How will you do that? Will your method of making me stronger involve making me go through scary stuff? Wait, I'm not sure I like that... can I think about my request a bit more?" (How does God put up with me?)

Regardless of my totally pathetic, inadequate prayer, it was answered. Immediately. The thought came into my mind to think about the good memories I have. Dustin filled my mind, our wedding, all the silly stuff he does and all of the fun we have. I thought about all of my family and what I love about each and every one of them. I thought about Raz and how good it feels to cuddle with him. Memories started flooding my mind, filling it even more quickly than the fears previously had. I was skipping from memory to memory like a kid in a candy store. A catalog of beautiful events and wonderful people. And then came the tears. Happy, happy tears. Every happy thing I remembered brought on a fresh wave of crying.

And suddenly, when just moments ago when I was on the verge of screaming, it was all ok. Everything was ok.

I still couldn't sleep (hence this post), but I had an answer to my question. How do I cope with fears of the future? Just remember the past. Luckily, thanks to wonderful parents and loving friends and family, I have a beautiful past to remember. Thus the title of my post: Thank you.